When having a biological child “you get what you get” (and I won’t tell you that you don’t get upset).  With adoption there is choice, which makes it harder.  Some people feel that they will get the baby God intends for them and are open to anything.  I’m much more analytical and a researcher.  And a control freak. This part of the process was the toughest on me. Writing this post has been a challenge.  You fear a “wrong” answer to any question will elicit judgment either silent or outright.   I prefer silent judgement as I put it all out there.

Race

My philosophy has always been that race doesn’t matter to me.  My favorite students have been a variety of races and I’ve loved them all.  This is one of the first points I realized that motherhood isn’t about me and how I feel.  This forced me to look around my neighborhood, race make ups of my school district, and my friends.  I live in a diverse area, but while it takes a village, I can’t send my kid out into this village and hope that their cultural identity will be supported.   I talked to people who were adopted by a parent of a different race, I read blogs from the child’s point of view, blogs from the parents point of view, studies, and thesis.  I cried my way through “This is Us.”  I read Saroo Briely’s memoir “Lion”.  This was the very last part of my application that I was able to fill in.  It took me weeks to do.  I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t support the cultural identity of a full African American child.  I selected other races and combinations, and cried again.  I felt terrible, but I can’t risk a kid’s future on supporting my ego.  I realized no amount of research could tell me what to do, which lasted until I got to the next set of questions.

Drug Use

The next part of tough questions was going through a list of drugs and if I felt comfortable matching with someone who did this particular drug during pregnancy.  My social worker asked me these at one visit and then gave me time to research and consult with doctors.  Again I googled each individual drug and found a range of effects (from nothing to severe).  I spoke to three doctors in my family, someone who worked in adoption, a mother of a child born addicted to opiates, and contacted a specialist at Children’s Hospital (but declined to go forward with the $350 consultation fee).   The comment that put my at ease came from someone not in the medical profession.  My aunt said, “What are you worried about?  Mace and Zoe came from the same litter and look what happened there.  Just pray you get a Mace.  In Jesus’ name amen.”  Mace and Zoe were chocolate labs that my family and my cousin’s family adopted.  Zoe was allergic to everything (like grass and people) and had a short life filled with vet appointments.  Mace was the happiest guy and lived a long full life.  Even genetics and science can’t guarantee a result.  

If you’re wondering checked that I was comfortable with all substance use, but I was not comfortable with someone who checked  heavy alcohol use.  Alcohol was across the board listed as being worse than drug use.

Family History

This part was easier for me.   There was a separate set of questions for a condition existing in the birth parents and existing in their extended family.  Extended family was easier-everyone has something that runs in their family.  Depression, anxiety, bipolar, drug use, criminal background, autism, etc.   The only thing I marked as being uncomfortable with was a schizophrenic birth parent.   I just went with my gut and how I felt when hearing that possibility.